We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
