fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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