Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
