Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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