my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
