you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
