then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
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