the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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