he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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