your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
