just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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