If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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