And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
