life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
