Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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