I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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