I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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