oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
