I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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