Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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