Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
