the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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