i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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