i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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