so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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