He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
