sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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