What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
