i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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