i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Randomize
