Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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