swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
