sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
