You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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