i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
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She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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