my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
