Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
