omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
