a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
