Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
