I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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