You kept calling me your small dog last night.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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