I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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