Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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