the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
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I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
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Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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