Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
