Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
