Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
