Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
