tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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