Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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