wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
